I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
