My room smells like vodka and shame
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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