I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
