just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
