My boss' voice literally gives me gas
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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