Someone shit on the floor
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
