this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
