i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
