'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
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