I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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