Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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