Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
