I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
