Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
