OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Randomize
