i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
