alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
