I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
