I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
