Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
