Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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