so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i would one night stand the shit outta him
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I'm just crazy horny about you
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
