fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
