Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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