the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
This is my gift to your gina
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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