brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
