You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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