Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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