Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The uberlube is also flammable
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
