Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
