dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
