what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
