My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
