we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
