Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
