The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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