someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
either way he was missing a nipple.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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