Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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