just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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