you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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