my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Just invented taco cereal.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize