hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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