It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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