What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize