Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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