I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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