Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
