I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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