I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
