i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
