We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
