Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Randomize
