You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
