he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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