Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
