you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
my shit smells like andre
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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