The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
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