That's intense
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
